Our Conflict Habits
As you read in Chapter 1, one of the ten premises of this book is that
we have the ability to learn new conflict habits. Habits we rely on
when it comes to interpersonal conflicts are like other habits that
become rote—that we repeat without much thought. In addition to
learning them from our families of origin, and our teachers, religious
leaders, cultures, peers, bosses, and others, we often learn conflict
habits from our various attempts to manage situations based on a
range of experiences and observations over time. Some of us also take
related courses, or read about recommended techniques that we try
to incorporate. Or, we act on someone’s advice. Mostly, though, repeated
attempts to discover what works and what does not guide our
conflict journeys, and we tend to develop and rely on some methods
more than others. These are the ones that seem to form our conflict
habits.
In whatever ways they have become part of our being, conflict
habits reflect the idiosyncratic ways each of us has learned to cope
with the sorts of scenarios that adversely affect us and our relationships.
And they show up in how we interact and communicate, how
we defend things that are important to us, and how we otherwise
approach internal and interpersonal conflict. It is an understatement
to say some habits work for us better than others.
Whether or not they serve us well, we may not recognize that our
particular ways of addressing conflict are habits we can shift. They
somehow feel a part of who we are, and so we may resist trying to
change them or the notion that we are able to do so. Whether and
how to find different ways of engaging in conflict are not possibilities
about which many of us give much thought. At least not until, for
any number of reasons, we realize our relationships and our wellbeing
are struggling as a consequence of our conflict management
style. We may have become increasingly aware of which habits are
unproductive or unhealthy. Or, we may experience pressure placed
on us in this regard by life or business partners, family members,
friends, bosses, peers, and others.
