Preparing to Respond in a Conflict Conversation
Because some of us are regularly involved in communications that
have the potential for becoming combative, emotional, inflammatory,
argumentative, and so on, we know that some responses work better
than others. When someone initiates a conversation of this nature, it
can catch us off guard to the extent that we do not respond in ways
that work well for engaging in a constructive dialogue. Being able to
participate effectively in discussions that may become divisive when
someone else initiates them is an indicator of conflict mastery, just as
it is when we are the initiator. Similarly, postponing the interaction
until we are ready, while at the same time not being perceived as
ignoring the other person’s initiative, is another sign.
Determining the optimal time to engage in communications that
someone else initiates can be challenging, and timing is not a choice
that we usually think we have. Nevertheless, preparing to respond
in a respectful and thoughtful way requires, among other things, being
purposeful and careful about when to do so, not only how.
Suggesting alternative timing when not ready, for instance, may
sound like, “Thank you for approaching me on this. Let’s get a time
that works for both of us to do so.” Or, “I hear how important this is
and I want to talk about it, too. I just need to think things through
first. When else are you available?” Statements of this nature—using
your words and manner of speaking, of course—often help deflect
negative energy and the urgency being experienced if feeling pressed
by the other person. This is especially so if her or his approach triggers
a negative reaction.
The following questions will help you focus and prepare for the
occasions when another person initiates a potentially contentious
and challenging conversation. These questions (along with those in
Preparing to Initiate a Conflict Conversation and Boundary Considerations
in a Conflict Conversation) will increase awareness about how
to facilitate and participate in a constructive dialogue with the objective
of preempting unnecessary conflict.
QUESTIONS
• When you are the initiator of a conversation aiming to
prevent unnecessary conflict, what is it like for you?
In what similar ways do you suppose the other person
who is inviting a dialogue with you may be experiencing
the role of initiator? What do you imagine may be different
for her or him?
• What is a conflict-masterful way for you to respond when
someone else initiates a conversation, if you are not ready
at the time you are approached?
• If you think about a specific situation where discord is
present and the other person wants to discuss it, what are
the possible opportunities for you in having this conversation?
What opportunities may there be for her or him?
• What risks are possible for you? What risks may there be
for the other person?
• Related to this specific situation, what would you want to
clarify? What clarification might the other person want?
• What do you want to be most careful about in your
response—for instance, approaches that have not worked
before for you, or for others you have observed, that you do
not want to repeat? What has worked well for you, or for
others you have observed, that you want to repeat?
• For this situation, what are the skills you want to hone to be
able to respond effectively? What else is important that you
want or need to be most prepared for in this particular
conversation?
• How will you know when you are ready to engage in this
conversation?
84 Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You
• Going forward, what do you consider will be the main
challenges for you when someone else initiates a conflict-related
conversation? How else may you best prepare for
these challenges that you have not yet considered here?
• Based on your reflections and answers here, what are some
other best practices you plan to use when responding to
someone else who initiates a potentially difficult
conversation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
