As with other habits, we have the ability to change them, and in
the case of conflict engagement, to develop new ways of interacting
that reflect how we prefer to be and respond when we encounter
discord. And though it takes time, energy, focus, and motivation, the
journey to conflict mastery starts with willingness to change.
If you are willing to change one or more of your conflict habits, the
first step suggested here is to identify one habit you know is counterproductive,
and answer the following questions about it. The same
questions may be repeated for other habits you wish to improve.
QUESTIONS
• How do you describe one of your conflict habits you want
to change, that is, how is it manifested?
• What might caring friends or family who know you, and
have observed you demonstrate this habit, add to your
description (your response to the previous question), if
anything? What, if anything, might they say differently?
• What is the impact that using this habit has on you? How
do others experience it, that is, those on the receiving end?
• What appears to be the impact on caring others who have
observed you using this habit? What might they suggest as
alternative ways to be and interact?
• How do you think you developed this habit? Under what
circumstances have you not used it? What accounts for the
difference?
• How do you prefer to be, and be seen, regarding this habit?
• How do you expect your conflict interactions will be
different when you interact in the manner you prefer (as
you described in the previous question)?
• How, specifically, do you want people with whom you have
conflict to experience your preferred way of interacting?
What would you most like your caring others to compliment
you on when you interact in the way you prefer?
• How much do you want to change this habit on a scale of
1 to 5, 5 being “very much”? If you scored 4 or lower, what
reservations do you have about changing this habit?
• How may you be getting in your own way from beginning
to change the habit? How might you overcome that? What
is one step to take immediately to make a positive change
regarding this habit?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
