Hot Buttons
Hot buttons, also called trigger points, may be generally defined as
actions, words, and attitudes of others that evoke a negative reaction
in us—inner, external, or both. It may be what someone says or does,
or does not say or do. It may be a mood, a way of acting, or facial and
body language that triggers us.
We are not usually aware, at least consciously, of what other
people’s hot buttons are. Exceptions are likely those of our life partners,
family, friends, and colleagues and co-workers whom we come
to know well. New relationships start with a clean slate. In any case,
it is common that we discover another’s trigger points, and they ours,
the hard way. That is, generally speaking, we do not know what
offends or irritates us or others—including the effects—until hot
buttons are pushed.
Depending on numerous factors, there are various ways we react
to the experience of others pushing our hot buttons. The first time
someone pushes one, we may choose not to get upset about what is
provoking us. It may take repeated times until our discomfort grows
and we say anything—if we decide to say anything at all.
Whether we react early on or after several incidents, some of us
let the person know directly that she or he is irritating us, and sometimes
with strong emotions that fuel a conflict. Others of us are more
covert or indirect—showing signs of being disgruntled without really
saying what is happening. Our reactions may be so indirect that they
are missed altogether.
Not all situations in which we or others are triggered necessarily
lead to conflict. However, once our tempers rise and we “lose our
cool,” we are usually unable to effectively contemplate and identify
what specifically contributed to the escalation in the first place.
In the quest for conflict mastery, whenever it is evident that something
is creating internal discord for us, it helps to take some time to
step back, remain curious about the specific irritant, and consider why
